Meet the new resident funny man and breakfast presenter at StarFM … Tim Green.
> So what do you think of the Holiday Coast so far?
This town is a little boy’s dream come true! A beach, babes and boards, the climate is beyond consistent and coming from Adelaide, it’s a nice change of pace. Port Macquarie folk are very cool and laid back.
I’m keen to explore the entire Holiday Coast and may need to buy a push bike with clackers on the spokes. I will obviously need to buy boardies, more thongs and build a decent set of man boobies with muscles to surely represent down here in Port Mac!
It seems like I will get along well here, although I’m currently realising the doom of being a single guy in town who knows nobody, and all the surf guys are giving me bad looks. I think they know I don’t know how to stand up – a slight shame, considering I’m an advocate of skateboarding and irresponsibility. P.S. I’m up for a lesson if anyone is offering some time for a greenhorn …
> How did you get into the radio industry?
I was told from a young age that I talk rubbish; unfortunately I didn’t start reading books until I was 21. I was a class clown who always enjoyed entertaining at detention time, and most days that’s exactly how the radio business is; it’s full of freaks and illiterates like me and the guy who’s always in the toilet for some reason.
Ultimately, I won a competition by dressing up in skin-tight spandex for my break-through gig, attended radio school and failed, plus I scored a bunch of national awards on community radio, which raised a lot of doubt about my sanity.
This industry is available to literally anyone who can talk for more than 30 seconds without boring paint on a new wall. But to be honest, the business is a beast, and if you don’t like long hours and don’t have a burning passion, you will be flushed down the toilet.
I would advise all those who take themselves seriously to stray away and learn a trade, but for those who like it raw, knock on the StarFM headquarters door and bug my new boss …
> StarFM has a long and proud history in our area. What are you going to bring to StarFM that listeners can look forward to?
I plan to tarnish that proud reputation with unusual punishment and weird sounds. My radio style is like listening to a confused boy who read the dictionary backwards … while listening to Phil Collins on his outdated walkman.
I like to keep it real, and I’m planning to get inside Port Macquarie’s beds and minds. You may need to see a general practitioner afterwards for some cream and help. I like to keep it random and fun, but I love to push my audience of four freaks in the side bedroom picking their noses for charity.
I seriously enjoy talking hot, tough and itchy subjects that no-one likes to touch, but considering I’m the new guy I will take a chill pill and see how you Port Mack settlers get down …
> Have you had the opportunity to interview any big names in the past?
Wolfmother, The Living End, Kram and the Spiderbait crew, Molly Meldrum, Angry Anderson, Andrew G and John Howard briefly. I now prefer to speak to non-famous people, because they always contribute more and they always know my number.
To reach Mr. Howard I had to do things that I would never admit to my own parents, and in the end it wasn’t even worth it. I could probably get a hold of him now, though his retirement package might be at stake!
I have also spoken to Tito, Michael’s brother, however it was a boring interview and he lived vicariously through Michael, and when I asked him about Jesus Juice and cookies, he claimed I was unprofessional and a media assassin. Ironic, considering I was researching another subject while conducting the interview.
Over time you realise that stars are good for ratings, but what affects normal people rewards the show and may get me a free coffee down the street … any takers?
> Any on air bloopers or interesting moments behind the microphone?
I have done it all! I dropped all 7 deadly words while my downstairs basement was patched live on air … for entertainment purposes of course. I’ve hurt my back pole dancing on air for publicity. I’ve left the microphone on while discussing the previous night, and I’ve spilled coffee on my panel controls.
I plan to make just as many mistakes in Port Macquarie, but I’ll cover it up with sound effects or toilet flushing noises. I will make copious mistakes as I roll along and it’s unfortunately a part of the game we play, because without these mishaps you learn nothing and you become paranoid about being ultra-slick. That’s when you take yourself too seriously and you end up looking in the reflecting glass in the studio and thinking you’re a man stud on radio … and that’s when your listeners switch off!
There’s a huge difference between being a cocky radio person for the sake of entertainment and presence and a cocky guy who doesn’t need to act on air, because he has become his own worst nightmare.
> What do you love about radio?
The speed, random menacing, getting paid to be an idiot for a living. This job has everything; I can wear my PJs to work, I don’t have to shave my 15 year old boy moustache and I can often speak to anonymous women at any point in time while on air.
Now all I need to achieve is a pay cheque which looks like Madonna’s, and I’ll be able to afford that monkey butler on rollerskates with split personalities – who understands that I need ham and cheese toasties when I’m watching the Simpsons. Radio gets in your blood and itches; I had almost 4 years off because I burnt myself out early … and I’m only turning 26 next month!
It is a pumping job and a rewarding career path for those who can stick out the memos, publicities and carry-on. Oh no! I’m speaking like a guy with life insurance and a retirement plan! Next I’ll be complaining about the State Government and efficiency problems at the office to Gary …
> So when can listeners hear you on the air?
I wake up before light hits the sky and the lorikeets are biting each other’s necks in the trees off William Street. I think one left a white stain on my T-Shirt the other morning. The short answer is 6 until 10 for The All New All-Star Breakfast on StarFM.
I still don’t know why I called it that; there are no stars on my show, and I’m just by myself smelling my own smells! Although, I do plan to name the water cooler in the side of the studio Tom Cruise, because it’s boring and everyone wants a piece of him every day.
I beg the Port Macquarie people to bear with me as I learn a new set of studios, people and a new home – for now anyway. As soon as the month is over, then start complaining about the constant Jennifer Hawkins updates and Bono watch.
Give me a call and talk to me about everything and anything, except Scientology! I’m the new guy … need the info.
> Thank you Tim.